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chestnut ridge

What would you do?

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1722 **12/14/17 7:37 pm**

Church family of 30+ years has a child die in a car accident and the family wants the funeral at the church

It is your grandchild's first birthday and a party is scheduled at the church.

The food for the family (after funeral) will overlap grandchild's birthday party

What do you do?

Quiet Wyatt

Re: What would you do?

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **12/14/17 8:04 pm**

Chicago27

Friendly Face Posts: 253 **12/14/17 8:07 pm**

In my opinion, the church is there for the funeral service and to comfort the grieved. A birthday party can be held some other place. Or, change the time of the party so there is no conflict.

Aaron Scott

Chestnut Ridge...

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 6032 **12/14/17 9:22 pm**

Consider that if it is your grandchild's FIRST birthday party, it's really about the adults in the room and not the child, since he/she is going to be too young to know what it's about or remember it.

That being the case (and even if the child was ten years old), surely the importance of that matter comes down on the side of the bereaved family? Your grandchild won't remember if you don't have a party...but the bereaved family will never forget if you fail them at this horrific time (and time of year).

Of course, you being a man of God, you knew that right thing all along.

chestnut ridge

Re: Chestnut Ridge...

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1722 **12/15/17 10:05 am**

Aaron Scott

Chestnut Ridge...

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 6032 **12/15/17 11:22 am**

Well, then, everyone, to some extent or another, has come down on the side of the bereaved family. The pastor is likely now paying for the decision he made.

I imagine many pastors have made similar decisions that came back to bite them.

Dave Dorsey

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 13654 **12/15/17 11:34 am**

Is the pastor repentant for the decision he made? (genuinely repentant that is, not backpedaling for appearance's sake)

Aaron Scott

Wait...I got to thinking about something....

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 6032 **12/15/17 11:47 am**

First, I imagine every pastor or minister on this board is very clear that a funeral should have precedence over a birthday party for a baby, right? So why didn't that pastor cancel or reschedule the birthday party like all of us seem to think he should have?

What we don't have is CONTEXT.

If I may side with the pastor for just a moment, is it possible that this family had been "members" for 30+ years, but did not actually attend? Was their relationship with the church only a tenuous one, or were they regulars in good standing, etc.?

Is it possible that this family had done everything in their power to wreck the pastor, his family, and/or the church?

Was it a last minute thing--i.e., they were going to do it at another church, but then, last minute, decided they wanted it there, after the birthday party had been given the go-ahead?

I have a feeling that there is more to this story, since I think most pastors wouldn't have a bit of trouble of doing what most of think is the right thing to do. Chestnut Ridge, can you give us more information? This is just too one-sided of an issue be accepted without question.

chestnut ridge

Re: Wait...I got to thinking about something....

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1722 **12/15/17 5:51 pm**

chestnut ridge

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1722 **12/15/17 5:53 pm**

Change Agent

What would you do?

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1449 **12/17/17 11:58 am**

Birthday party for a one year old should be changed to another date. Funerals take president. Pastor missed it bad. Reasons like this is why families drop out of church.

Link

Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **12/17/17 9:41 pm**

Sounds like a good argument for having a group of elders and not just one face that represents the church.

Was the pastor responsible for the party somehow, the person organizing it?

I would think the funeral would be the right choice, or at least attending part of it, and dropping by to visit relatives for part of their party. If the pastor conducted the funeral, then spent some time in the fellowship hall, left, and came back, i don't see how that would crush people.

Was the pastor the only person who could lock the fellowship hall or something like that?
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Link

Cojak

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24275 **12/17/17 11:46 pm**

Well if the situation is as straight forward as Chesty says, and I have no reason to doubt it, I would inform the pastor we were looking for another church or when a voting time came, he would not get my vote. I would never stay and be a burr under his saddle, if I could not keep my mouth shut, I would leave.

And I can relate to the one phone call. In the incident I am familiar with. The pastor visited the home (during the families working hours) when no one answered the door bell he left a note on his card that he had wanted to explain the situation. That was it.

I normally would not believe any 'thinking pastor' would even consider such a decision. BUT since I witnessed an educated, pretty logical pastor make a stupid decision and it has probably cost him a limit paying church.

It must be something in the water that dumbs down seemingly smart leaders. Shocked

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Mat

If the rolls were reversed?

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1979 **12/18/17 7:30 am**

If the rolls were reversed and it was the pastor's one-year old grandchild who had died, what would he expect the church to do?

Increasingly, it seems that some pastors try to build the local church with the idea that they and their family is the primary interest of the membership. They think the members live vicariously through their experiences - such as speaking at conferences/revivals, or taking luxury vacations, or driving an expense car, or living in an upscale neighborhood, sending their kids to the best private schools, etc.

I find most of us in ministry are not personally that interesting that members could feel better about themselves by us living to please ourselves and them paying for it.

There will come a day for this pastor's family, it may not be the death of a child, perhaps it will be the loss of a vote. They will not blame themselves, they will blame the church, the denomination and perhaps God. They will be wrong.

Mat

chestnut ridge

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1722 **12/26/17 2:27 pm**

chestnut ridge

Re: If the rolls were reversed?

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1722 **12/26/17 2:28 pm**

diakoneo

Golf Cart Mafia Consigliere Posts: 3382 **12/26/17 3:27 pm**

Personally I don't see how a pastor could make a decision like this. Who would choose to allow a grandchild's birthday party to exclude a grieving family from being in their church at such a time?

Am I to assume similar things go on in this church?

Why are there so many extremes in our churches?

I see some churches that abuse their pastors and families and others where the pastor takes his liberty with the flock.

Where is the mutual respect and common sense??

Carolyn Smith

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 5909 **12/26/17 3:49 pm**

I agree that the party should have been rescheduled, but perhaps the pastor was stuck in the middle and made to feel guilty that he was choosing the church over his family.

What I see in FB groups and here is that the younger pastors (especially) are appalled that anyone would choose church obligations over family obligations. I know a lot of older pastors have a lot of regret that they have chosen church over family & have lost relationships and children turning from God because the Church always came first. Those days seem to be pretty much gone, and not all of it is bad. Of course, there needs to be a balance between the two. Not all one or all the other.

The grieving family should have been allowed to have the funeral there. Moving the venue for the party or rescheduling the time should have been done, unless there is more to the story than we know.

Perhaps some church members could reach out to the family and try to bring healing in this rift, if they will not allow the pastor to reach out to them.

Sad situation.
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