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 Creating a Culture of Sexual Purity |
Link |
I read a statistic online recently that in the US, only 3% of people who got married the first time were virgins at marriage. Most of these were very religious (and I mean that in the normal English language way, not the Evangelical redefinition of the word.)
Probably, most of those 3% are active in church. Some of them may be in other religions.
Why is that number so low? I know about the sexual revolution and the pro-fornication stance of the news and entertainment media. But about a third of the country identify as 'born again Christians.'
So the question is, why are so many US youth being influenced more by the world on this issue than by the church? Why are there so many teen pregnancies in church?
I have read a bit about 'Purity' movements, sometimes from detractors. There are ministries that get young people to make a promise and wear a promise ring indicating a promise not to have sex before marriage. There is a church subculture, based on certain books and teachings, that teach young people to court with an intent to marriage and not to date. I have read complains about a teaching that if you have a dating relationship before marriage, or even have romantic feelings for someone, you loose a part of your soul.
I grew up hearing teaching against fornication and adultery, like many Christians did. I had a youth pastor who taught a series on the subject that felt like it took years, when I was about 12 years old. He preached against light petting and heavy petting. I didn't even know what that stuff was before that. He had a whole youth service dedicated to the topics of masturbation and homosexuality (the sermon that is). Maybe some of the other youth in Evangelicalism or the Pentecostal movement weren't taught in so much detail. I don't know how much of my values or determination were formed at that time, but I did wait until I got married.
So did my wife. She was raised in Indonesia. I hear fornication is a growing problem in Jakarta among the youth, but the expectation that the married be virgins at marriage is still high, and seems to be more so in the villages especially.
Why can a predominantly Mus|im country where individuals have a high degree of freedom, where abortion is illegal, have fewer babies, percentage-wise, born out of wedlock than the US, which has so many professing Christians? According to
http://worldfamilymap.ifstudies.org/2014/articles/world-family-indicators/family-structure
in 2001, 41% of births in the US were of children born outside of wedlock. In Indonesia, it was 3%.
How can Christians turn the tide in society? Or, maybe more importantly, how can we start to turn the tide in the church? How can we start a trend where, at least among those raised in church, that virginity at marriage is the norm?
Is it a matter of persuading Christians to stop watching TV and going to the movies?
Should the main approach be that of instructing young people at a young enough age in Biblical sexual ethics?
What about giving parents and other adults a proper Biblical 'sex education'?
How can churches work together so that this is a national trend, and not just some good teaching and some good results in one church?
IMO, if we focus on teaching young people, we should also teach them to be good spouses, not just in regard to sexual morality before and after marriage, but in every area of their lives. It is also important to teach young people how to find good quality spouses.
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3/20/17 8:43 pm
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Preacher777 |
Great post Link. I have many thoughts and will revisit this subject but due to time constraints now will say one of the first steps is to humble ourselves (as the church) and admit we have a serious issues in regards to our spiritual health. We know alcoholics or drug addicts must first admit he or she is an alcoholic as a first step to becoming healthy. One must look at objective facts from lab test, meet with the doctor and admit changes are necessary to improve physical health.
The statistics you mentioned about 3% of marriages involving virgins yet the numbers claiming to be born again raise questions. Many other studies such as Willow Creek's survey on the spiritual health of their congregation should set off alarms concerning the spiritual condition of the church. I mention this to commend them for their willingness and desire to look at the facts. I find it disturbing that facts are often ignored. My experience also involves a hesitancy among some Christians to seek objective factual data concerning the spiritual condition of the church rather than be excited for generalities such as wild Charismatic stuff or the total number showing up on Sunday morning. In many cases there is a hesitancy to even discuss how many of that total are committed to coming on a weekly basis versus just portraying great success adding the up the 1-3 time a month weekly attendees. |
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3/22/17 5:10 am
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Cojak |
Very good post Link. As an old man who remembers when MOST folk were virgin when they married, the present day (my family included) is hard to fathom. Answer? The Lord of course, but most of the kids out there who are sexually active do not attend church where they might be taught. They also learn from their parents..... Shame...
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3/22/17 4:34 pm
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Link |
| Cojak wrote: | | Very good post Link. As an old man who remembers when MOST folk were virgin when they married, the present day (my family included) is hard to fathom. Answer? The Lord of course, but most of the kids out there who are sexually active do not attend church where they might be taught. They also learn from their parents..... Shame... |
It really bothers me to know that a lot of kids who grow up in church and adults who go to church fornicate, too. My guess is a lot of those virgins-at-marriage are church going folks, but what about the ones who grew up in church and weren't virgins at marriage?
How can we chance the church culture first?
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3/23/17 7:15 pm
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Cojak |
| Link wrote: | | Cojak wrote: | | Very good post Link. As an old man who remembers when MOST folk were virgin when they married, the present day (my family included) is hard to fathom. Answer? The Lord of course, but most of the kids out there who are sexually active do not attend church where they might be taught. They also learn from their parents..... Shame... |
It really bothers me to know that a lot of kids who grow up in church and adults who go to church fornicate, too. My guess is a lot of those virgins-at-marriage are church going folks, but what about the ones who grew up in church and weren't virgins at marriage?
How can we chance the church culture first? |
Very good question, and I certainly do not have the answer. We tried to set an example and point out the down side. In love and as less confrontational as possible, /Did not work.  
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3/23/17 11:28 pm
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Link |
| Cojak wrote: | | Link wrote: | | Cojak wrote: | | Very good post Link. As an old man who remembers when MOST folk were virgin when they married, the present day (my family included) is hard to fathom. Answer? The Lord of course, but most of the kids out there who are sexually active do not attend church where they might be taught. They also learn from their parents..... Shame... |
It really bothers me to know that a lot of kids who grow up in church and adults who go to church fornicate, too. My guess is a lot of those virgins-at-marriage are church going folks, but what about the ones who grew up in church and weren't virgins at marriage?
How can we chance the church culture first? |
Very good question, and I certainly do not have the answer. We tried to set an example and point out the down side. In love and as less confrontational as possible, /Did not work. |
Love doesn't have to be nonconfrontational. Confrontational love may be a better approach. 
I think a key is to start really young. I've been teaching my children about these things from the time they were small. I don't go into too much detail about some aspects of sexuality when they are small, but they have a general idea of what it is.
Moses said that the law was to be read to all Israelites, babies and up. The Victorian ethic that teaches not to discuss sexual matters in front of children, can be a hindrence in a church context. Parents need to teach the children, and so does the church.
Adults are a big problem. A lot of adults know better, but still fornicate before marriage.
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3/25/17 7:31 am
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Link |
I think it also helps to have some non-religious ethical arguments against fornication that young people can relate to.
1. If a man and woman have sex, it can result in pregnancy.
2. Children raised in one parent homes are at a disadvantage.
3. Some women have the doctor murder the baby in their womb.
Under point 1, one can explain that historically, there hasn't been very effective birth control. And condoms are 90 something percent effective. If a dating couple had sex enough, the chances of getting pregnant are the same as not using birth control at all.
For point 2, there are plenty of statistics about children raised without parents in the home, the lower grades, higher chances of crime, higher chance of teen pregnancy. If it is presented properly and with the proper sensitivity, children in single parent homes may relate to this and think they don't want to put their own children in that situation.
Point 3 might be a better argument for the young men, who need to realize if they have sex, the girl they had sex with could have their own child murdered, and legally, there is nothing they can do about it. If they have a heart and were raised learning that abortion is murder, that can be a powerful argument.
The conclusion is that it just makes sense to save sex for marriage. Sex is serious. It can result in children, and raising children well is a huge responsibility. God wasn't just trying to stop young people from having fun.
It's a logical, mostly non-religious, argument against fornication. But it doesn't apply to all the other stuff besides intercourse.
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3/25/17 7:38 am
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bonnie knox |
Link, the arguments raised are just not convincing in our culture.
Many abortions that are done are done on women who are married. Legally, being married doesn't give a husband any more say over whether his baby is aborted than if he is only a boyfriend.
Many more women are using IUD's or the Pill which prevent pregnancies much better than condoms. (I'm not making a comment here on the ethics of either of these methods.)
Single parenthood does not necessarily follow; people are having babies and raising them together and maybe getting married at some point eventually.
Since cohabitation before marriage has become socially acceptable in the US, I can point out quite a few people I know who have been in long-term marriages (like 17 years to over 30 years, for example) who cohabited first. These are people who are committed and faithful to their families.
I'm also familiar with a subculture (religious homeschools) where sex before marriage is still frowned on. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be divorce-proofing the marriages. |
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3/25/17 8:20 am
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Cojak |
| bonnie knox wrote: | | ...I'm also familiar with a subculture (religious homeschools) where sex before marriage is still frowned on. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be divorce-proofing the marriages. |
That one is very true Bonnie. And it is a shame, I would think otherwise but I know marriage is not looked on or at, like it was years ago.
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3/25/17 3:50 pm
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| World-view... |
Mark Ledbetter |
If you believe you can trust statistics, George Barna reports only 9% of born-again adults in the U.S. have a Biblical world-view.
This means 91% of born-again in the U.S. hold non-Biblical core values and beliefs resulting in non-Biblical attitudes, decisions and actions.
If true, then there can be a significant number of born-again adults in the U.S. who do not hold to sexual purity as a core value, do not model sexual purity in the home, and thereby allow the world's standards shape the sexual values, attitudes, and actions.
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3/25/17 4:11 pm
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| Re: World-view... |
Link |
| Mark Ledbetter wrote: | If you believe you can trust statistics, George Barna reports only 9% of born-again adults in the U.S. have a Biblical world-view.
This means 91% of born-again in the U.S. hold non-Biblical core values and beliefs resulting in non-Biblical attitudes, decisions and actions.
If true, then there can be a significant number of born-again adults in the U.S. who do not hold to sexual purity as a core value, do not model sexual purity in the home, and thereby allow the world's standards shape the sexual values, attitudes, and actions. |
There are also plenty of churches, including Pentecostal churches, where an unbeliever could attend, not hear about the resurrection of Christ or even the atonment, repeat a prayer that says something like "I accept Jesus into my heart" and be declared a born again believer. Your in. You are a part of the club. Then that person can go out and take a Barna survey.
But there are also regular church attendees who don't have a Biblical world view, too. There may parents who know fornication is a sin, but think it's no big deal and natural for the kids to do it. And there may also be parents who know it is a sin but don't want to talk about it much out of fear their children will ask them about their past mistakes.
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3/25/17 6:12 pm
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Link |
| bonnie knox wrote: | Link, the arguments raised are just not convincing in our culture.
Many abortions that are done are done on women who are married. Legally, being married doesn't give a husband any more say over whether his baby is aborted than if he is only a boyfriend. |
A man married to a woman he is living with has a lot more influence over this decision than a man who meets a woman at a club. Of course, Christian young people should be taught to seek a spouse with godly values to build a life together.
| Quote: |
Many more women are using IUD's or the Pill which prevent pregnancies much better than condoms. (I'm not making a comment here on the ethics of either of these methods.)
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Birth control brings up a whole lot of objections, so the argument isn't airtight. But you can also present morality as for all time, not just for people with modern technology, to explain why we are designed a certain way, and why God's morality fits with our design.
| Quote: |
Single parenthood does not necessarily follow; people are having babies and raising them together and maybe getting married at some point eventually.
Since cohabitation before marriage has become socially acceptable in the US, I can point out quite a few people I know who have been in long-term marriages (like 17 years to over 30 years, for example) who cohabited first. These are people who are committed and faithful to their families.
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High school students might say, "We are going to get married some day anyway." A few anecdotal stories and statistics might help in this regard.
There seems to be some evidence to suggest that if a woman only fornicates with the man she marries before marriage that she has as low a chance of divorce (or 'marital disruption') as the one who is a virgin at marriage. Maybe it has to do with two becoming one flesh. That goes along with the fact that fornicating couples could be required to get married in the Old Testament. The idea that in the Old Testament God could force a rapist to marry his victim is repugnant to man in our culture, too.
| Quote: |
I'm also familiar with a subculture (religious homeschools) where sex before marriage is still frowned on. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be divorce-proofing the marriages. |
I don't know if anyone has looked at the divorce rates for this group. Women's virginity or lack of other sexual partners before marriage may predict whether a marriage is more likely to succeed. I suspect the home school culture could have that same lower divorce rate, even if it is not 0%.
Pentecostals, Baptists, etc. are in a subculture where sex before marriage is frowned upon. Frowning is not foolproof.
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3/25/17 6:21 pm
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Cojak |
in this culture There are surprises. My sister who has no children can tell you exactly how to raise and teach them.
My son, a good Christian, married a well known preacher's daughter. She was and is sort of an alley cat! Of course the marriage did not last long and my son raised the children as a single parent.
I will admit I never expected this type of behavior in my family But it is there. I just met with a buddy I met in the USMC in 1956. Been a long time both of our families are up and gone. As we talked, the subject of tough love came up, he smiled, "Jack, I can give all the tough love in the world, TO YOUR KIDS."
Maybe the purity will return to the lives of the young, I sure hope so. At this age I am just a nosy old man. I have made my mistakes I hope where you are that the dam can be reinforced, but here in the USA, Imma thinking the dam has burst. And I hate it.
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3/25/17 8:55 pm
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bonnie knox |
I'm just telling you that the particular argument you are making just isn't going to sell in this culture.
I've known people who were not married who had a baby together. Some will marry, some will continue to live together unmarried and raise the child together (perhaps at some point getting married with the child serving as ring bearer or flower girl). And of course some will split up. And you can make a good argument against casual hookups at a club, but you will have a hard time convincing people in our culture the risk of pregnancy is a good argument against premarital sex for couples who feel a strong commitment to each other (but are not legally married to each other).
And if you're talking to, say, folks in their mid-thirties who are now single and have been sterilized, this won't be an argument at all.
| Quote: | | A man married to a woman he is living with has a lot more influence over this decision than a man who meets a woman at a club. Of course, Christian young people should be taught to seek a spouse with godly values to build a life together. |
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3/25/17 10:05 pm
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JLarry |
I think I married one of the last virgins in Florida,yes she lived in Jax. And we were not Christians when we married.
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3/26/17 7:11 am
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JLarry |
I think I married one of the last virgins in Florida,yes she lived in Jax. And we were not Christians when we married.
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3/26/17 7:11 am
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Link |
Bonnie,
I said it wasn't airtight. It would makes sense if one presented other reasons for actually getting married. And it would speak to some people, but not others. Not everyone has parents or relatives who have lived together for years without getting married, and some young people wouldn't know that couples they knew lived together a long time before tying the knot.
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3/26/17 11:03 pm
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| JLarry Made a Profound Statement! |
Preacher777 |
[quote="JLarry"]I think I married one of the last virgins in Florida,yes she lived in Jax. And we were not Christians when we married.[/quote]
This speaks volumes about one of the ways to restore sexual purity to the church. I believe it is a sad reality that 40 years ago the world's unsaved people had much higher standards concerning sexual immorality than what exists in the church today. I and others I know wouldn't live with somebody 35-45 years ago as unsaved young guys not because of our convictions but due to our concerns about bringing shame on our parents.
We as a church must repent and then incorporate repentance from sin as part of the salvation experience. Another issue is to let people know that accepting Christ is a quality all or nothing commitment. I am all for Grace and God accepting us just as we are but do believe the Bible teaches us to do everything possible (a commitment to the Word and away from all previous temptation triggers) to not stay that way after salvation. One of the first things we teach when doing Christian counseling with drug addicts and alcoholics is to identify the "triggers" then make a commitment to stay away from those people, places and things. The addict must first admit he or she is an addict and commit to whatever is necessary to stay clean. How much effort is the church putting into confronting sexual immorality, helping people identify the triggers and teaching them that it is a total commitment to stay clean? Would we get excited about the number of heroin addicts who are out helping us feed the poor if they had no desire or teaching to get off drugs? Why should we be so quick to focus on what the sexually immoral do as good works with no desire to change?
I appreciate statistics such as what Link posted concerning sexual immorality. Another thing that helps me in my quest to deal with reality is to have certain teenagers and 20 something's who will shoot straight with me concerning what is happening in his age group in regards to sexual immorality etc. It really helps me to talk one on one with young guys who know me beyond being a pastor whether through business acquaintances or sons of friends who I have known since they were young kids. My head spins when I hear what is happening from young Christian and unsaved guys (or unsaved friends who freak out and lecture their 19 year-old son on the danger of unsolicited pictures being sent to them by 16-17 year old girls).
The Christians tell me that Bible reading and prayer are almost non existent in their culture. When seeing what options are available sexually for the unsaved young men one realizes he would need a 100% commitment to Christ, the Word and prayer to pull away from the aggressive sexual nature of young women. I am going on what guys tell me is going on or what my wife relays as she deals with the women.
Psalm 119:9-11: How can a young man keep his way pure?
By keeping it according to Your word.
10 With all my heart I have sought You;
Do not let me wander from Your commandments.
11 Your word I have treasured in my heart,
That I may not sin against You. |
Friendly Face
Posts: 434
3/27/17 4:47 am
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bonnie knox |
| Quote: | | and some young people wouldn't know that couples they knew lived together a long time before tying the knot |
This statement demonstrates one of the big problems I think the church has had in communicating the sexual purity message. The church has been willing to play on ignorance or stats that could change. For example, I've heard preachers talk about feeling guilty as a reason not to engage in premarital sex, but when it's cultural acceptable, people might well feel no guilt. Lots of people have relied on the statistic that people are more likely to divorce if they cohabit before marriage, but the divorce rate is so high anyway, it is not going to seem like a good reason. I'll give you an example of a couple I know who have been married for about 20 years. The young woman has said she lived with the guy before marriage because she wanted to see if they could get along before making a commitment to marriage. Their family was insulted that her minister didn't want to perform their wedding because they were cohabitating. They got another minister to perform the wedding. The marriage of the minister who refused to perform the ceremony ended in divorce; the couple who were cohabitating are still married.
Young people recognize bs. (And if they don't recognize it at first and find it out later, the sense of betrayal is even stronger.) It makes the case for sexual purity look weak if you can't articulate why it's a good idea without relying on outdated reasons. |
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3/27/17 9:14 am
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Nature Boy Florida |
| bonnie knox wrote: | | It makes the case for sexual purity look weak if you can't articulate why it's a good idea without relying on outdated reasons. |
What is a good articulated reason for today?
After we rule out:
Fear of VD, pregnancy, abortion, shame of family, single parent finances, etc...
What is the reason to not have sex before marriage?
As Josh McDowell declared numerous reasons 30 years ago, "Why Wait!".
Depending on which word you emphasize, it is either a declarative or a question.
Why Wait?
Why Wait!
Not sure which side Christians are on anymore.
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3/27/17 9:39 am
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