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Friendly Face Posts: 135 **1/14/14 9:01 am**

Any situation where the wife decides she cannot continue with her husband in whatever position he is in is very sad and troubling. The husband must be understanding and a faithful leader of the home. A pastor must answer to God as to his care for his wife and family and also to the calling to the ministry. As a pastor's wife, she has probably faced situations and requirements that she feels she cannot fulfill. It is wrong for any church to expect the pastor's wife be "the assistant pastor" if she does not have the "call" or desire to have that responsibility.

This situation may be too far gone to accept help or any advice from an outsider. But I think any woman whose husband is a pastor should find an outlet outside the church's activities which she can enjoy and feel free from the many burdens sometimes placed upon her. Find a hobby. Take classes. Set aside times for fun with your husband. Plan fun activities with your children. Get away from the "parsonage" on occasion and "do your own thing" as long as it is pleasing to God.

My heart goes out to this pastor's wife. She and her husband need our prayers.

Randy Johnson

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 5433 **1/14/14 9:55 am**

Your first congregation is your family. Charity still begins at home. My wife has been on the administrative board of a Pastor's Wives list on Yahoo since the late 1990s. There is a cross-section of denominations represented on this. Being a part of the list opened her eyes to a lot of common problems pastors' wives face, especially when their husbands' egos are being stroked by their position of authority and influence in ministry.

Many of these wives get dumped on by their husbands as well as their congregations and have no relief, and their husbands are insensitive to their needs and demanding of them to keep them looking good in front of their churches. And this is true in all kinds of denominations from the Salvation Army to the CMA to Baptist, Methodist, Episcopalian and Pentecostal. It seems human nature and the male ego doesn't change much, no matter what denominational label you hang over the door.
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Randy Johnson, Pastor
Ickesburg Church of God
85 Tuscarora Path
Ickesburg, Pennsylvania

Quiet Wyatt

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **1/14/14 9:59 am**

Texicanii

What does minister do? Wife says no more pastoring.more info

Friendly Face Posts: 153 **1/14/14 2:45 pm**

More info. Before they were married she said she prayed about being a pastor's wife and the Lord told her to make the choice before they were married.
They took 2 years off from pastoring to rest from the stress of it. They then took another church. It ws a small church to begin with but began to grow.
They resigned that church because of the wife.
now she says no more pastoring.

Quiet Wyatt

Quiet Wyatt · [Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **1/14/14 2:52 pm**

Very sorry to hear that, Texican. I don't believe there is a pat answer that will be best for every situation. Obviously, they have to both really seek the Lord as to their next step in life. If they had a trusted mentor they could work through this with, something like that would be ideal. Second to that, a good Christian counselor or Christian psychologist could be helpful.

Will be praying for this couple.

Rafael D Martinez

Let me throw a brick into the pond with this ..

Acts-dicted Posts: 7766 **1/14/14 6:19 pm**

The common assumption among ministers is that once you are called to ministry, you are bound to never back from pursuing it. I have always believed that and still do today but not for the reason that I hear so readily cited .. one that may be in the back of this pastor's mind.

How many of us in the ministry have been admonished to remember in times of wavering that "the gifts and calling of God are without repentance", a quote from Romans 11:29, and that God's call on our lives requires our best and for us never to give up. We're to press doggedly on in ministry despite however low in life we get, or no matter how tough the opposition - ministers are to keep burning with zealous focus upon their call and to keep pushing onward.

That verse, however, points us to Paul's startling teaching on the election of Israel in contrasted with God's great dispensation of grace he bestowed upon the Gentiles .. and the verse has nothing to do with the Christian ministry.

How many of you have heard that? Felt twinges of guilt from its supposed application to your situation? I've heard it again and again all my ministerial life but I've never felt that bite.

I hope it's not bitten you.
_________________
www.spiritwatch.org

Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth? Galatians 4:16

These are trying times. Everyone's trying something and getting caught. The Church Lady, 1987

Quiet Wyatt

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **1/14/14 6:56 pm**

I agree Romans 11:29, in context, does not refer specifically to ministerial calling.

That said, I do believe that no man, having put his hand to the plow and looking backwards, is fit for the kingdom, and that being cast into outer darkness awaits a servant of the Lord who willfully persists in disobedience to the known will of God (sin), and that the servant of the Lord must not turn back to the world, the flesh, and the Devil, lest having preached to others, he himself might become a castaway.

We must run the race with patience that is set before us if we are to wear the victor's crown.

Rafael D Martinez

Acts-dicted Posts: 7766 **1/15/14 9:49 am**

Quiet Wyatt

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **1/15/14 10:29 am**

For those who believe obedience is in fact optional for the Christian, I suppose the point is moot.

Then there is the very real possibility that some may have missed the will of God by pursuing vocational ministry to begin with.

As to the OP, I don't have enough info to really make a judgement in that case.

Obviously, everyone must find peace with God and their own conscience with regard to their choices in life. I personally don't have enough info to be able to say who is and who isn't called and who is or isn't obedient in their heart to their own specific calling from God. I'm just saying obedience to the known will of God must never be seen as an optional thing for the follower of Jesus, especially not in the long run. Eventually, we must get back up and finish the race.

Link

Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **1/15/14 4:26 pm**

You could look at this as rebelling against God's call to please your wife.

But if we consider the requirements for overseers in I Timothy 3 and Titus 1, he has to rule his own house well. If his wife isn't supportive of him pastoring, it may make sense for him to step back from that ministry for a while, work on the home life, and then resume if things are in order at home. It doesn't have to be a case of doing what your wife says versus doing what God says. Someone could step out of the pastorate for a God-honoring reason.
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Bro Bob

Golf Cart Mafia Underboss Posts: 3945 **1/15/14 6:26 pm**

I feel for her. I feel for my own pastor's wife. She is a wonderful woman who is carrying more load than she ought to have to bear. Never heard her complain even once. God bless you Sis. Pam.

There is no telling what the woman in this instance is coping with. And it is the job of her husband to tend to whatever her needs are.

But...

Link

Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **1/16/14 3:59 am**

I'm thinking about Bro Bob's post, and I know this is stirring the pot.

But this is a reason to have a submissive wife. In the scenario he describes, if she is submissive and knows her role as her husband's wife, she will be his helpmeet. And she wouldn't try to give him an ultimatum. He may also be on to something about a wife having difficulty respecting a man who backs down when she's wrong, too. Some male bloggers would agree with that, and I've read online where women agree with that as well. If he can't stand his ground with her, how's he going to defend her from lions, tigers, bears, and other men. That's another topic, though.

But this type of thing doesn't have to be an issue about obvious and outright rebellion. It could also be an issue of a man not making enough time for his wife and family-- not ruling his own house well. If his wife is depressed because of what he's taking her through, and he could do a better job with the relationship, what is he going to bring his congregation too. They might get depressed from the way he leads, too.

To get into the role, a man is supposed to rule his house well. What if he stops ruling his house well once he's in the role. Can he keep on while doing a poor job and home, or should he step back, get his own house in order, and then go back into the church.

I've read about a "call" to pastor in this thread. I've done a word study on being 'called.' Paul talks a lot about being called to be an apostle. We are called to be conformed to the image of Christ. But never have I found where the Bible talks about a call to pastor, or a call to be a church overseer. It doesn't talk about a call to be a deacon, either.

I believe God can tell people to do stuff, all kinds of things. He may call for a lot of things that we don't see a specific example of in scripture. But I think most Pentecostals and a lot of Baptists and Methodists cause damage the church by emphasizing a 'call' to pastor' instead of what the Bible actually teaches. The Bible teaches that the overseer has to meet up to a list of qualifications. The list, with very minor differences is in there twice as qualifications, with another vaguely similar list in I Peter 5 listed as descriptive duties. If the Bible says it twice, isn't it important?

What confuses the matter is the historical relabeling of the role as 'pastor'. In the Bible, the apostles appointed elders (or older men) in the church. The Bible uses the term 'overseer' for the one who would be appointed to the role. Paul and Peter command elders to 'pastor' the flock of God (Acts 20:28, I Peter 5. Look up feed or tend in Greek.) But for most of history, these men were known as 'elders' or some word derived from the Greek 'presbuteros' or translated from it. But in English and German, the used the same word to refer to Old Testament descendents of Aaron, creating confusion. The Reformed movement renamed these church leaders as 'pastors' and created a city government position called 'elders.' The Presbyterians copied Geneva as a model, and so we get the senior pastor and nonpastoral board elders. We also get a lot of confusion reading the Bible from all this.

If a man and his wife are really not in unity and it causes strife, discord, or other really bad stuff in the home, I think it's wise to step down, get his own home in order, then go back into the ministry. The Bible says if a man cannot rule his own home, how can he rule the church of God. Do we want discord, rebellion, depression, or other major problems in the home to be amplified into the church? Isn't it foolish to expect that if a man's leadership leads to chaos and strife in the small family that is closest to him, that he isn't likely to see the same in the larger spiritual family he ministers to?
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pastordude

Ever walk in his shoes?

Newbie Posts: 3 **1/16/14 2:37 pm**

I have. I saw the politics, and the attacks from other pastors, DO, and even state office destory my wife. Oh, the attacks were aimed at me, but it took a toll on my wife's health. Leaving pastoral ministry was a trmendous life change for me, but I would do it again in a heart beat. My faith is strong, and her health too. In response the question at hand, I say, listen to your wife, she may have more wisdom than you are giving her credit for.
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God's got this!

wayne

Re: Ever walk in his shoes?

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1274 **1/16/14 3:23 pm**

Quiet Wyatt

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **1/16/14 3:43 pm**

I have in fact walked in his shoes. I have known others who have as well. The cross we must bear may come in many different forms, but it remains a cross even still, though the burden (even unto virtual emotional death) is never greater than His grace.

It seems to me that the only faithful course of action is to do all one can by God's grace to work out one's marital problems, but also know that not all marriages are salvageable, unfortunately. It is also important to note that leaving the ministry still may not save or improve the marriage.

georgiapath

Acts-dicted Posts: 7587 **1/17/14 8:30 am**

Cojak

Re: Pastoring is tough...

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24275 **1/24/14 11:00 pm**

Aaron Scott

Some more thoughts...

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 6032 **1/25/14 7:43 am**

If God placed them there to pastor, then something it out of alignment.

Perhaps they are to pastor...but not there. Or not now. Or not for a while.

Perhaps the way that they are pastoring, while well-intentioned, may be wrong. Perhaps they are pouring too much into the church, but too little into their marriage? Or perhaps they are tolerating things in the church that need to be confronted and ejected?

Perhaps the wife is carrying a load not meant for her. Some of the best pastor's wives I've ever known, including my mother, were not up-fronters. They gently assist, pray for, and support the church in many different ways, but they do not feel led to be the women's president, or head up the annual bake sale, or do this or do that. Some churches have those expectations of a pastor's wife. If that's her thing, great. If not, it might cause undue pressures.

There are thousand little things that could be going wrong, not the least of which is that the wife may have grown a bit distant from the Lord. Perhaps too busy being Martha to be Mary? Or perhaps just beaten up by a difficult situation. In any case, when that happens, and when you are fatigued, faith can seem hard to come by. Maybe she needs a breather--release from ALL responsibilities for the time being. Who knows?

But the KEY is that if they are where God wants them, something must be out of alignment.

Cojak

Aaron brings up a good point...

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24275 **1/25/14 10:07 am**

Southern churches especially EXPECT much more of the pastors wife. I have a friend who was never able to pastor comfortably in NC. He moved to Connecticut and had a great pastorate period, he remained there until age sent him back South.

It was explained to me that in that area the pastor's wife was basically just a church member without the pressures felt down South. His wife was NOT a Mixer and had very little personality, but it had not mattered in the area he was pastoring, what mattered was his anointing and heart for his people.

The church's expectations of the wife have caused many a pastors wife to be under an extreme load. Shocked

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georgiapath

Re: Aaron brings up a good point...

Acts-dicted Posts: 7587 **1/25/14 5:21 pm**