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 Explain how “head of the wife†works for you, please... |
Quiet Wyatt |
I have a wonderful marriage. I don’t think I could honestly ask for a better wife and mother, seriously. God sent me an intelligent, smart, beautiful, faithful very competent helper in her. (By the way, if men are so great, why did they need help from a woman anyway? LOL).
It has never once occurred to me that I should be her boss. I rely on her and especially appreciate the immense amount of “common sense†God gave her. She has never tried to rule over me, nor have I ever tried to rule over her. But to hear some tell it, I’m not fulfilling my proper scriptural role unless I am basically her boss. I honestly don’t get it. I suppose it’s only evidence of my ingrained depravity that I fail to see this issue like the Calvinian or fundamentalist.
It seems to me that in the culture in which the Bible was written, the women were often considered a little above the children and the slaves in the household. I for one find that having an intelligent, mature partnership with my wife to be far more interesting and mentally and emotionally and spiritually satisfying than having a wife who would basically be my slave.
But, I realize I could be missing something. Perhaps there’s something to keeping the wominfolk in their proper place.
So how does it work in your marriage? I’m sincerely interested in hearing from both complementarians and egalitarians on this. |
[Insert Acts Pun Here]
Posts: 12792
2/8/19 7:54 pm
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Dave Dorsey |
LOTS of strawmen here.
My wife and I would consider ourselves complementarians, yet I would describe my marriage in the same terms in which you have described yours. The same goes for the marriages of most any complementarian I know.
I have never met anyone who suggests that in a complementarian relationship, the man must be the "boss". Have read that on some nutjob blogs, but that's about it. |
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Posts: 13654
2/8/19 8:13 pm
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Quiet Wyatt |
| Yes, I’ve heard complementarians say exactly the same thing, Dave. I honestly still don’t understand what you mean by being over your wife, in any case. Please feel free to explain in your own words. Thanks! |
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Posts: 12792
2/8/19 8:46 pm
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Dave Dorsey |
| Quiet Wyatt wrote: | | Yes, I’ve heard complementarians say exactly the same thing, Dave. I honestly still don’t understand what you mean by being over your wife, in any case. Please feel free to explain in your own words. Thanks! |
Sure, you can start by showing me where I said that. |
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Posts: 13654
2/8/19 9:02 pm
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Quiet Wyatt |
| Dave Dorsey wrote: | | Quiet Wyatt wrote: | | Yes, I’ve heard complementarians say exactly the same thing, Dave. I honestly still don’t understand what you mean by being over your wife, in any case. Please feel free to explain in your own words. Thanks! |
Sure, you can start by showing me where I said that. |
I am sorry you don’t wish to explain how the “head of the wife†works in your marriage.
Anyone else? |
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Posts: 12792
2/8/19 9:39 pm
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Tom Sterbens |
| Quiet Wyatt wrote: | | Dave Dorsey wrote: | | Quiet Wyatt wrote: | | Yes, I’ve heard complementarians say exactly the same thing, Dave. I honestly still don’t understand what you mean by being over your wife, in any case. Please feel free to explain in your own words. Thanks! |
Sure, you can start by showing me where I said that. |
I am sorry you don’t wish to explain how the “head of the wife†works in your marriage.
Anyone else? |
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Golf Cart Mafia Capo Famiglia
Posts: 4507
2/8/19 11:24 pm
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| QW...how the head of the wife works. |
Aaron Scott |
I think we are using the word "boss" to mean "bossy" or belittling of one's spouse. I don't think should be the case. Consider that Jesus is the head of the Church. Is He "bossy"? No...but He also has the last word on things, and He will also will use His authority, as He did in Revelation to speak to the Seven Churches.
The same with husbands and wives. The husband is not to be small-minded misogynist that bosses his wife around. Of course not! In my case, like you, I am blessed with an incredible wife who is highly organized, driven, faithful, hard working, etc. She handles pretty much everything that needs handling (I've got garbage duty and scary bugs duty). But there have been times I have felt I had to say no to certain directions she was taking. I guess I'm kind of like a "backstop": I'm really only there for those rare occasions when some guidance is needed. And when it comes to being "bossy," the reason you know I'm not is because I am still alive.
Baby don't like to be backed in a corner!
I think we must take our cue from how Jesus operates as a head. |
Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology
Posts: 6032
2/8/19 11:59 pm
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| Re: QW...how the head of the wife works. |
Dave Dorsey |
| Aaron Scott wrote: | | I think we must take our cue from how Jesus operates as a head. |
Yup. I wasn't going to share this article because of the title, but now that Tom's here it seems appropriate.
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/complementarianism-for-dummies/
I'll eagerly await QW completely ignoring it in favor of his incorrect preexisting interpretation of what complementarianism is and his subsequent inquiry as to what it's really like for me to lord over my wife like she's a child. Or, actually, I'll probably just tap out here because it's clear this thread was not started with the intention of having any kind of productive dialogue. |
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Posts: 13654
2/9/19 12:26 pm
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Quiet Wyatt |
I was raised in a complementarian home. My grandfather also was a strong complementarian. The men were the boss of the wife, period. I never wanted that sort of thing for myself. I obviously don’t think they were somehow more scriptural than the egalitarian model.
Sorry that I hurt Dave’s obviously sensitive feelings by sharing what I see (and personally experienced) as complementarianism; i.e., the man being the unquestionable head of the home.
Last edited by Quiet Wyatt on 2/9/19 3:01 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Posts: 12792
2/9/19 2:56 pm
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Dave Dorsey |
(Edit: This reply was in response to a now-removed portion of QW's post.)
Take another stab at this conversation sometime and maybe I will. But as for this thread, among my resolutions for this year was one resolving to spend less time engaging with people who were starting conversations in obvious bad faith.
Last edited by Dave Dorsey on 2/9/19 3:22 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Posts: 13654
2/9/19 3:01 pm
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Quiet Wyatt |
| I have zero interest in hearing from you on this or anything else, Davey boy. I’m out. |
[Insert Acts Pun Here]
Posts: 12792
2/9/19 3:03 pm
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Dave Dorsey |
| Quiet Wyatt wrote: | | I have zero interest in hearing from you on this or anything else, Davey boy. I’m out. |
Sounds good! |
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Posts: 13654
2/9/19 3:03 pm
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| I give a sound ruling from the bench |
Judge Roy Bean |
The ma being the head of the wife means that when he buys her new panties for general assembly he is the one who chooses the colors. You boys are a making this too hard, Imtell you what.
Next case.
_________________
Never ask a man where he's from. If he's from Texas, he'll tell you. If he's not, don't embarrass him. |
Get a rope
Posts: 181
2/13/19 9:34 am
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| Head of the wife? |
spartanfan |
Here's what the wife and I agreed on long ago. I make the call. That's the way she set it up so I can always be to blame  |
Golf Cart Mafia Underboss
Posts: 3638
2/14/19 1:14 pm
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| Spartanfan... |
Aaron Scott |
| spartanfan wrote: | | Here's what the wife and I agreed on long ago. We will discuss and pray about anything we're concerned about. We will honor each others opinions and treat each other as equals and try to come to an agreement. On the rare occasion that we pray, talk, pray more, discuss more (and sometimes get others input) and still we hold opposite opinions on what to do - then I will decide the course of action and I will shoulder 100% responsibility for my decision. So in that way I am the "Head of my wife." Very few times (maybe once or twice in 42 years) have I had to take responsibility alone. Most of the time we can come to an agreement - or I just agree to do it her way because it doesn't matter to me that much anyways (we're concerned about different things at times). But when it comes to major decisions with the possibility of huge repercussions - I make the call. That's the way she set it up so I can always be to blame |
Bro. Ivester, who was Florida's overseer for the past few years, said something that opened my eyes at a service in Live Oak. He spoke of how he had learned to pay attention to his wife's perceptions. If she said she didn't feel right about something, he paid attention! While I also paid attention to my wife, I don't believe I gave it as much prominence as I later came to because of Bro. Ivester's words.
One way I operate is this: If on a scale of 1-10, I feel only a 6 about something, and my wife feels only a 2, we might try to find a decision which we can both agree upon.
But if I feel a 10 against something, and she doesn't feel 10 for it, then it goes with me.
If we both feel a 10, but in opposite directions, and a choice has to be made, then, yes, that defaults to me and, like you, I have to be responsible for owning it. Fortunately, while this is how we would (hope) to do it, I cannot remember any time when we were 180 degrees apart.
Note, this is not about what restaurant to eat at, etc. In 22 years of marriage, we fussed ONCE about that--and that was only because she "didn't care where we ate," but as soon as I mentioned a place, she vetoed it. In other words (SMILE), she was waiting for me to figure out where she didn't want to eat--ha!
However, just as there has to be a tie-breaker sometimes, I am the tie-breaker. Coach Bobby Bowden would tell his 10 coaches, "You all have 10 votes among you; I have 11 votes."
I think it was one of Teddy Roosevelt's daughter that said, "The only worse than a man you can't control...is one you can."
That in mind, there are times when a man has to make a hard call. It's going to hurt. But to go to someone else to be the "tie-breaker," is to probably lose a friend if they come down on the wrong side...etc.
If a man and a woman went into the marriage with this whole "we're BOTH in charge" thing, that can be hard to dial back. But if it is understood that they will serve in the conventional roles, with the man having the last word...but at the same time realizing that he would do well to not do something that is utterly at odds with commonsense...and her understanding that controlling the neck is often more important than being the head...it works.
Last edited by Aaron Scott on 2/14/19 9:44 pm; edited 2 times in total |
Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology
Posts: 6032
2/14/19 4:54 pm
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Dave Dorsey |
That's a great point, Aaron. Also great points by spartanfan. Our marriage works basically the same way. April will be 11 years for us, and I can't think of a single time when I had to "put my foot down". The mere notion of it is foreign to me.
To Aaron's point -- for some reason, people think the husband deferring to the wife is incongruent with complementarianism. That's so silly! It's wisdom, as Aaron demonstrates. And it's still the "head" making the decision and accepting the responsibility, and not at all incongruent with a complementarian approach.
I deeply value my wife and her unique perspective. She complements me and covers my weaknesses in a glorious way, almost as if we were designed to work together in this way. If she feels strongly about something, there's a near certain chance I'm going to defer to her. |
[Insert Acts Pun Here]
Posts: 13654
2/14/19 5:16 pm
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Eddie Robbins |
| No such thing at my house. |
Acts-pert Poster
Posts: 16509
2/14/19 5:42 pm
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