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Preacher777

Policies Concerning Marriage

Preacher777 · Friendly Face Posts: 434 **3/20/17 11:47 am**

In my other thread I asked for facts and feedback about people living together as a way to gauge the health of the church. Already several posters made interesting posts concerning this challenging subject. In this thread I would like to ask what policies you as a pastor or your church if you are not the pastor has in regards to performing a wedding.

We have a policy to only marry church members who adhere to membership policies which would exclude those living together. Previously I was open to doing marriages as an evangelistic outreach but came to the conclusion that our time for evangelistic efforts could be spent better in other ways. Other pastors tell me weddings give them much frustration and little or no evidence of reaching people fro Christ. I expect unsaved people to live together but not a Christian.

We ask people to commit to a minimum of 4 premarital counseling classes but they must agree to be open to a minimum of 6 and perhaps more if necessary. I explain that although I am hold a State license in Clinical Counseling with an additional specialty in Christian counseling my wife and I will do a minimum of 2 sessions then we refer them to a friend who specializes in marriage counseling. We want couples to understand the seriousness of marriage and let them know that just as a doctor cannot be the best at everything, therefore counselors have specialties too.

Often I heard the old adage of "Marry them to get them out of sin." Although I had a check in my spirit I must admit it was the prevalent rule of thought in the church here and previously I went along with it. However, now we are requiring people to live apart when doing the premarital counseling process and need at least a 4 month notice to do a wedding.

Some of the reasons that prompted this change concerning marriages from those who identify as Christians but live together involve hearing God's voice as to His will in marriage. I believe we need to do everything possible to make sure he/she is God's will as to the person and timing of the marriage. When challenged I explain that my understanding of grace and experience as a young single man would hinder me from hearing God's voice clearly between getting in and out of bed with my girlfriend. We teach that it is challenging enough to separate the fleshly/emotional desires from the Spirit of God even when not in perpetual sin.

I also believe that if people will not submit to God before a marriage why do we think He can join them together and expect a change later? If one really knows a couple in most cases the live in isn't the only area of sin among couples once a conscience becomes seared. We used to talk about people's lack of missions giving but now many backsliding couples spend more on weed, drinking etc. than they give to the church if they even attend one.

Repentance should involve a change of heart so we do ask people repent from their sin and separate before doing a wedding. We also need to realize the damage done to children, teenagers and young adults by this bad example. How sad when we see young people who used to help with children, youth etc. lead others astray by their example.

We are not alone in knowing that a stand like this will likely cause some people to switch churches. One church in town runs about 300 people but do to a similar stand does very few wedding. I know of another church that runs about 2500-3,000 people at multiple Sunday morning services (a young congregation) but due to their 6 month policy of living separately before marriage they only do 12-15 weddings a year.

I do know of what some people who were married while living together and now attend church. However, I believe the Bible teaches a much deeper walk than quoting a sinners prayer and possibly showing up for church when it is in accordance and advantageous to one's lifestyle (after children etc). What are your thoughts and policies both living together and counseling requirements in regards to marriage?

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Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **3/20/17 8:15 pm**

I can understand your thought process. Also, if a pastor thinks that a marriage before a judge serves the same purpose for people who aren't living for God as getting a clergyman to do it, why bother with the hassle?

On the other hand, even some brief counseling might plant a seed.

There are a lot of weddings pastors shouldn't touch. If the man leaves his wife for his secretary, or a woman leaves her husband for the rock drummer, and want the pastor to wed them to their second partner, why should a pastor do something like that?

I don't see anything wrong with a pastor giving a few short counseling sessions if he's dealing with a clear cut situation, a widow and a widower who want to get married, or a couple of young virgins (opposite gender of course) whose parents both agree.

There is also the possibility of performing the ceremony and not allowing the use of the facilities.

Do you allow attendees who aren't members to have weddings at your church? What if you had an attendee who wouldn't join over a disagreement with some long-forgotten COG doctrine or practice, or who just did not believe in formal church membership, but who lived a godly life?
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Nature Boy Florida

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 16619 **3/21/17 7:21 am**

C. S. Lewis told the church what they should do 60+ years ago regarding marriage.

Surprised he is still ignored today.

What the state joins together - has nothing to do with what God joins together.

There should have ALWAYS been a difference.
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Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because its the best thing going today!

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Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **3/21/17 10:48 am**

Preacher777

Preacher777 · Friendly Face Posts: 434 **3/21/17 9:23 pm**

[quote="Link"]Do you allow attendees who aren't members to have weddings at your church? What if you had an attendee who wouldn't join over a disagreement with some long-forgotten COG doctrine or practice, or who just did not believe in formal church membership, but who lived a godly life?[/quote]

I have mixed thoughts about doing a wedding for an attendee who isn't a formal member. Sometimes my thoughts away on this question.

Quiet Wyatt

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **3/21/17 9:51 pm**

The problem as I see it with agreeing to perform a wedding for a nonmember who just attends is, it opens you up to a lawsuit by a gay or lesbian couple if you refuse to give them equal treatment (a wedding for nonmembers).

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Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **3/22/17 8:59 am**

Quiet Wyatt

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12792 **3/22/17 11:21 am**

After having evaluated the issue as thoroughly as I felt I could, my judgment is that it is best to restrict weddings under my ministry to members in good standing. If they don't wish to become members under my shepherding care, then they only wish to use my 'services,' in which case I would kindly direct them to look elsewhere for a hireling of their choosing to perform their wedding.