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doyle

What NOT TO SAY to someone who is grieving

Acts-celerate Owner Posts: 6957 **6/1/16 6:23 pm**

A few days ago I was with a family whose much-loved father had passed from this life. I had not known him personally, so when we had some time together, I said to his daughter: "Help me get to know your Dad. Tell me about your Dad."

For the next 15 minutes, sometimes with tears and other times with smiles and laughter about good times together, she shared about her Dad. Here is what a very good internet article says:

"If you are looking for special words to comfort someone grieving, look no further than within your heart. Forget the clichés or any packaged sayings; it's important to be genuine. Your goal should be to express compassion, not to cheer up someone who is recently bereaved.

With a little thought, you can find exactly what you want to say to comfort a grieving friend or family member. What to say:

I'm sorry this has happened.
I care about you.
He/she will be dearly missed.
He/she is in my thoughts and prayers.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
You are important to me.
My condolences.
Tell me about (the deceased's name)?

What Not to Say

While it's simple to find a few words to comfort someone who is grieving, it's even easier to say the wrong thing without even realizing it. Individuals who recently lost a loved one are going through a very emotional time so be extra-sensitive with those who unexpectedly lost an immediate family member.

If you are still struggling with finding words to comfort someone grieving, remember to avoid cliches and statements that are likely to be viewed as unsympathetic. Do not say things like:

You can find a new love, have another baby, etc.
You don't have to be sad; he/she is with God now.
I know exactly how you feel.
Everyone goes through this.
Time heals all wounds.
You'll get over it.
It's time to move on.

Even when we know they are with God, we are still sad that they are no longer with us.

We do not know exactly how someone feels. Our feelings may be very different than theirs.

At some time or another, everybody does indeed go through grief, but the words "Everybody goes through this," comes off as flippant to the feelings of the one going through it now.

The little phrase, "Time heals all wounds," is not accurate. Sometimes, time helps lessen the pain, but some people grieve from the day a tragedy happens until the day they die.

There is absoluteyl nothing that says you "have to get over it." Actually, you do not have to get over it. There is no time limit on grief and grief is not an emotion people can turn on or off like flippng a light switch.

Who said it's time to move on? People who are grieving do not want to get over it or move on. As time passes and the pain lessens, they may eventually pull themselves up and move on, but only the grieving person can decide when it is they want to move on.

Doyle
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The largest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **6/1/16 7:56 pm**

This is good stuff, worthy of a website of it's own, along with the hospice post.

Here are some others:

"You are still young enough to have another baby."
"At least the baby wasn't old enough for you to get that attached."
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Rick Whitter

Here is a blog post on the subject I wrote a few years ago

Hey, DOC Posts: 54 **6/1/16 8:08 pm**

https://rickwhitter.com/2013/11/12/10-things-not-to-say-to-a-grieving-friend/

Cojak

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24285 **6/1/16 9:10 pm**

Very good information and advice, What a terrible time to say the WRONG thing and mess with someone's mind. That is one on one or in a sermon. Cool

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Acts-pert Poster Posts: 15570 **6/1/16 9:40 pm**

Here's a few encouraging responses to the grieving family:

"God needed another flower for his garden, so he plucked your momma out of this world and planted her in his garden. He needed her more than you needed her."

"Don't cry, your momma is helping Elvis teach angels how to sing."

"Give it a few weeks, you'll git over it."

M Truman Smith

Truman Here

Hey, DOC Posts: 64 **6/2/16 10:24 am**

I have been here for a long time and this is as important as any thing ever discussed here , Very Timely .

having done close to 1000 funerals in my Ministry I have heard some unbelievable things said , And believe it or not the two most ignorant and one cruel thing I have ever heard came from two Church Of God ministers ,

A member in Middle Tn. lost a 14 +- years old son through some sickness . The mother said , " I don't know why God took him he was my favorite" , They had other children , and this STUPID pastor of this family said , " Why sister don't you know God ALWAYS takes the one you love the most first ". I felt like transplanting his bottom .

Another now retired Pastor said this about his only son who in a drunken state shot himself and at the visitation at the funeral home he said , " Well my son is in hell right now ". Now he probably is but I always leave that determination to the "Judge Of all the Earth " . God Bless T

" Shall not the Judge of all the Earth do right "? said father Abraham

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Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **6/4/16 11:12 am**

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Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **6/4/16 11:15 am**

In the case of believers, do talk about this:

I Thessalonians 4
13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

I notice he didn't say talk about going to heaven when you die, or to sing I'll fly away. We are to comfort one another with words of the rapture and resurrection of the dead at the return of CHrist.
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