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 Should porn be a "deal breaker" in marriage? |
bonnie knox |
Offshoot from another thread. I'm speaking of marriages in which both spouses claim to be Christians.
Is porn acceptable in a Christian marriage? If not, how should it be dealt with? Does it make a difference if the person involved in the porn is willing or unwilling to work at overcoming the addiction?
I really don't like the angle of working from a negative, i.e., how much bad stuff can be tolerated in a marriage rather than from the positive, i.e., what should a godly marriage look like. However, I want to address this because I have the feeling that if people are saying porn is a "deal breaker," that sentiment is borne more of a reaction against porn than from an advocacy of divorce. |
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6/10/13 7:35 pm
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Poimen |
I don't think under "normal" (for lack of a better term) circumstances it would be a deal breaker. However, I can envision where it could become detrimental to the relationship to the point separation was expedient. However, I would not advocate that as a cause for remarriage. The act of fornication is more than the desire of the heart, though it certainly starts there.
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6/10/13 7:55 pm
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Cojak |
I am not sure when both are Christians. But I do know of a case where the man who was not a Christian brought porn (skin flicks) home to show to try to stimulate a dying sex life.
The wife a good Christian tolerated it, and did watch, I do not know if she enjoyed it. But he was positive it helped the marriage. They were on the verge of separation, she eventually won him to the Lord, and he said there was no more need for the porn.
Did it ever return to the Christian marriage? Occasionally maybe yearly or so I understand. I do not know that for a fact, but I do know that if it had been a deal breaker with one a Christian, a great marriage would have been lost.
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6/10/13 8:27 pm
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Cojak |
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Randy Johnson |
Charity suffereth long.
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6/10/13 9:11 pm
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bonnie knox |
| Randy Johnson wrote: | | Charity suffereth long. |
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6/10/13 9:13 pm
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bonnie knox |
| Tom Sterbens wrote: | | Poimen wrote: | | I don't think under "normal" (for lack of a better term) circumstances it would be a deal breaker. However, I can envision where it could become detrimental to the relationship to the point separation was expedient. However, I would not advocate that as a cause for remarriage. The act of fornication is more than the desire of the heart, though it certainly starts there. |
Could you please disentangle and clarify each of your three sentences, and then the two back to back "however" qualifiers.
Thanks |
Since Poimen hasn't been around, I feel the unction to interpret (just the denotation--not the implications or ramifications). "Porn wouldn't have to lead to the dissolution of a marriage although, under some circumstances, the porn could be so detrimental to the marriage that a (hopefully temporary) separation might be expedient. Even if that happened, it wouldn't give the spouse of the person with the porn problem a right to divorce and remarry someone else."
(Not saying I agree--just my take on what I thought Poimen was saying.) |
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6/11/13 12:07 am
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Carolyn Smith |
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bonnie knox |
| Carolyn Smith wrote: | This thread showed up on Facebook today.
Just sayin'... |
Well that's cool... I guess. Can you summarize the general reaction? |
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6/11/13 9:42 pm
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| Re: Should porn be a "deal breaker" in marriage? |
Quiet Wyatt |
| bonnie knox wrote: |
Is porn acceptable in a Christian marriage? |
No.
| Quote: | | If not, how should it be dealt with? |
It basically would depend on how serious the couple is about having a Christ-honoring marriage, but in the best case, they would seek pastoral advice and submit to their pastor's leadership and discipling of them.
| Quote: | | Does it make a difference if the person involved in the porn is willing or unwilling to work at overcoming the addiction? |
Definitely. It is absolutely futile to try to get a person to change if they are not at least willing to try to change with God's help.
| Quote: | | I really don't like the angle of working from a negative, i.e., how much bad stuff can be tolerated in a marriage rather than from the positive, i.e., what should a godly marriage look like. However, I want to address this because I have the feeling that if people are saying porn is a "deal breaker," that sentiment is borne more of a reaction against porn than from an advocacy of divorce. |
While as I said pornography has absolutely no legitimate place in a Christian marriage (or in an unmarried Christian's life) I don't think that means that just because someone finds their spouse to have a porn problem that that would be a deal-breaker (as in, grounds for divorce). It certainly can be a major factor in the eventual breakup of a marriage though.
I straitly counsel men individually as well as men and women from the pulpit that that viewing porn is a powerfully addictive form of sexual immorality even if only in the mind, is a grievous sin against one's wife and against Jesus Christ, and that it must be repented of, they must cleanse themselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God. In some cases deliverance from evil spirits might even be necessary. |
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6/12/13 1:12 am
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Poimen |
| bonnie knox wrote: | | Tom Sterbens wrote: | | Poimen wrote: | | I don't think under "normal" (for lack of a better term) circumstances it would be a deal breaker. However, I can envision where it could become detrimental to the relationship to the point separation was expedient. However, I would not advocate that as a cause for remarriage. The act of fornication is more than the desire of the heart, though it certainly starts there. |
Could you please disentangle and clarify each of your three sentences, and then the two back to back "however" qualifiers.
Thanks |
Since Poimen hasn't been around, I feel the unction to interpret (just the denotation--not the implications or ramifications). "Porn wouldn't have to lead to the dissolution of a marriage although, under some circumstances, the porn could be so detrimental to the marriage that a (hopefully temporary) separation might be expedient. Even if that happened, it wouldn't give the spouse of the person with the porn problem a right to divorce and remarry someone else."
(Not saying I agree--just my take on what I thought Poimen was saying.) |
What she said.  Sorry if I was confusing before.
Is there something further you'd like me to clarify?
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Poimen
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Singing: "Let us then be true and faithful -- trusting, serving, everyday. Just one glimpse of Him in glory will the toils of life repay." |
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6/12/13 2:00 am
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Resident Skeptic |
I haven't seen this mentioned yet...
In every case, should a man tell his wife if he stumbled in the area of porn? Should he always tell his pastor?
What if he seeks help outside of his local church (but from other Christians), would that be appropriate?
Of course some of the answers might be dependent on the severity of the offense or problem.
Are women now just as hooked on porn as men are?
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6/12/13 8:35 pm
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bonnie knox |
| Resident Skeptic wrote: | I haven't seen this mentioned yet...
In every case, should a man tell his wife if he stumbled in the area of porn? Should he always tell his pastor?
What if he seeks help outside of his local church (but from other Christians), would that be appropriate?
Of course some of the answers might be dependent on the severity of the offense or problem.
Are women now just as hooked on porn as men are? |
This is my opinion. If a man stumbled in the past but no longer has a problem, I don't think he necessarily needs to tell his wife. Like I said, that's just my opinion, but I don't really see what good it would serve.
Outside help might actually be better if the outside help has expertise in the area.
I don't think the percentage of women viewing porn is as high as the percentage of men, but the percentage of women viewing it has increased. |
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6/12/13 9:25 pm
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Quiet Wyatt |
I would say it would largely depend on how secure the wife is and how strong the relationship is presently. Confessing something like this may do more harm than good to the relationship. Unfortunately, I would have to say that most people aren't prepared to handle hearing a confession of sin, especially one of a sexual nature.
I would however say that it would be a good idea for a husband to share with his wife the struggles he goes through keeping his sex drive from overwhelming him, not to manipulate her for sex, but simply to share with her what he faces in trying to keep his mind pure and successfully resist temptation, lest Satan take advantage of our weaknesses (1 Cor 7:1-9). |
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6/13/13 12:53 am
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Cojak |
From years of experience, Imma thinking it will be YEARS before women are addicted to porn. We are different in nature. Men (myself inclurded for years) for some reason thought women would be 'turned on' by porn, men's hard bodies, etc, BUT from what I have learned thru life, "Baby that ain't the case". It is not vulgarity or course sex that 'turns the average woman on", it is compassion and the desire to be held AND LOVED. Along with true 'satisfaction' that is on a woman's agenda.
jmho
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6/13/13 12:58 am
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Resident Skeptic |
| Cojak wrote: | From years of experience, Imma thinking it will be YEARS before women are addicted to porn. We are different in nature. Men (myself inclurded for years) for some reason thought women would be 'turned on' by porn, men's hard bodies, etc, BUT from what I have learned thru life, "Baby that ain't the case". It is not vulgarity or course sex that 'turns the average woman on", it is compassion and the desire to be held AND LOVED. Along with true 'satisfaction' that is on a woman's agenda.
jmho |
Agreed.
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6/13/13 10:00 am
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bonnie knox |
| I don't know about that, Cojak. We're not in Kansas anymore. |
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6/13/13 10:18 am
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Carolyn Smith |
I'm not sure what's to be gained by saying it is a dealbreaker or not. I think, as with every marriage, whether or not it's a dealbreaker would be individual to the people involved. If the person with the porn problem (presumably the husband) is unwilling to change, the partner has to decide if they can live with that, while trying to pray the spouse through. The partner must want to change. From what I know of this through a friend's experience, it is difficult to know your husband is involved in something like this and more difficult if he wants to involve you in it. It's disgusting and degrading and makes you feel pretty worthless.
Addiction is a powerful thing, and if the spouse is going to overcome this, they need to make themselves accountable to at least one person, if not more. Even for people who want to overcome this addiction, it is sometimes difficult to leave this kind of behavior behind. It is in the mind, often with a demonic element as well. This is not usually the kind of thing you just decide "I'm done," and it's over.
They say a lot more women are involved in porn these days. Women are wired differently than men, in that men are much more visually-stimulated/oriented than women. Women are much more prone to fall for someone who appeals to the emotions, but...times...they are a-changing. I mean - "Magic Mike"...need I say more?
Charity suffers long, but how long? This is one of those "secret sins" in which people often suffer in silence for years. Does God expect you to remain in a marriage forever in which your partner has no remorse, no desire to change, is essentially being unfaithful to you and makes you feel worthless? I don't know...again, I would say the answer is individual. I always tell my friends considering divorce, "You are the one who has to stand before God on this, and you are the only one who can make that decision."
My opinion...for what it's worth.
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6/14/13 5:34 am
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Quiet Wyatt |
| Great post, Carolyn! |
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6/14/13 6:59 am
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Poimen |
| Quiet Wyatt wrote: | | Great post, Carolyn! |
Agreed. 
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Poimen
Bro. Christopher
Singing: "Let us then be true and faithful -- trusting, serving, everyday. Just one glimpse of Him in glory will the toils of life repay." |
Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology
Posts: 5657
6/14/13 4:17 pm
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