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doyle

What to do when people leave your church

Acts-celerate Owner Posts: 6957 **1/15/13 6:51 pm**

Eventually, everybody leaves; moves away, finds work elsewhere,gets angry and splits, dies, etc., but how do you handle it when regular attenders leave your church and go elsewhere? At times, this happens to all pastors. It even happened to Jesus when much of his ministry walked out because of His sermon that they were to love Him more than father and mother.

1. Please share how you handle the feelings that come when people you love, trusted members and attenders, leave.

2. How do you handle it with the congregation that is left; never mention them, share that they've left etc.

3. Do you follow them up, try to find out what happened or just try to sulk away the feelings of grief that comes with their leaving?

4. Does such times strike at your feelings of self worth? Has it in times past caused you to want to quit the Pastorate?

The hope for this thread is to have some viewers share their survival stories when such things have happened. Possibly that will offer some hope for those going through this now or in the future.

Doyle
writedoyle@yahoo.com
_________________
The largest room in the world is the room for improvement.

Nick Park

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1021 **1/15/13 7:20 pm**

Don't try to persuade them not to leave.

Don't get defensive about their reasons for leaving.

Don't prophesy over them and tell them that they've now missed God's will and can never be blessed again.

All of these things close the door to them ever returning.

Do visit them.

Do pray blessings on them.

Do reassure them that you love them and that there's always an open door for them to return.
_________________
Senior Pastor, Solid Rock Church, Drogheda
National Overseer, Church of God, Ireland
Executive Director, Evangelical Alliance Ireland

http://eaiseanchai.wordpress.com/

Kyle Morrow

Golf Cart Mafia Soldier Posts: 2397 **1/15/13 7:41 pm**

I make sure the door don't hit them on the butt on their way out. There are a lot of churches in our area. If ours isn't the one for them, then I pray they'll find it.... Razz

_________________
Love. Grow. Serve.

Ronald

Let it be known:

Friendly Face Posts: 405 **1/15/13 9:45 pm**

that you want everyone in the will of God. Do not be defensive!!! That is the worst thing you can do. When you are asked about the exodus, share with them that you want people in the will of God, and if someone feels led to leave, you do not want them to leave, YET, you support their decision and bless their move. This will honor the Lord, maintain your Christian testimony and leave the door open for them to return.

Think about this scripture, it is eye opening:

John 3:26-"And they came unto John, and said unto him, Rabbi, he that was with thee beyond Jordan, to whom thou barest witness, behold, the same baptizeth, AND ALL MEN COME TO HIM.
27-John answered and said, a man can receive NOTHING, except it be given from heaven."

Cojak

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24285 **1/16/13 12:00 am**

Scooter

Rejoice

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1741 **1/16/13 8:30 am**

Rejoice in the Lord always! Laughing

Be thankful in all things! Cool

bonnie knox

Re: Rejoice

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **1/16/13 8:32 am**

wayne

in the beginning

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1274 **1/16/13 9:52 am**

Answers below the questions:
1. Please share how you handle the feelings that come when people you love, trusted members and attenders, leave.
- get mad, take it personally and sit and question what I did wrong.

2. How do you handle it with the congregation that is left; never mention them, share that they've left etc.
- Let them know these folks have decided to move on.

3. Do you follow them up, try to find out what happened or just try to sulk away the feelings of grief that comes with their leaving?
- yes, but usually they just give you some lame excuse. Sulking is a good way of putting it.

4. Does such times strike at your feelings of self worth? Has it in times past caused you to want to quit the Pastorate?
Yes, Yes and Yes

Now that I have been pastoring for 5 years I've become a little tougher in this area. It still bothers me but, I've come to expect it. I do continue to be nice to them and let them know if they ever need me - I am available for them.

Ronald

Answers to Questions:

Friendly Face Posts: 405 **1/16/13 11:48 am**

1) It is very hard. You feel betrayed when those whom you have had faith in turn on you, yet IT HAPPENS. Every pastor (almost) has been where you are. The way that I personally handle it is to work my way through it. When a confidant leaves you it is as you have lost part of your body. It is common when a limb has been amputated to go through a period of depression. It is the same in the church. We all make wrong decisions and that can cause people to turn, yet, understand that life goes on. Be positive and believe it is for your best. The Lord may be saving you from a terrible situation. This scripture has helped me:
I John 2:19-"They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us."

msg-"They left us, but they were never really with us. If they had been, they would have stuck it out with us, loyal to the end. In leaving they showed their true colors, showed that they never did belong."

2) Do not mention them from the pulpit because you are hurt and be careful that hurt people hurt people, and if someone asks you about them tell them that they felt led to leave and you bless them, not because you want them to leave but you want Gods will in their lives.

3) Do not follow them up! Give it to the Lord and leave it in his hands. If they are meant to be w you they will come back. At times the Lord removes a person from the Church and the Pastor goes after them and they come back to later on cause confusion in the local body. You must process your feelings by understanding that there are many more fish in the sea than them so focus on reaching others and you will get through it.

4) Of course it hurts but what you must do is to see if you have done something that has legitimately caused them to leave, if you have change.
and learn from it. The emotion to quit follow us Pastors like a bad shadow, yet you must not be moved by what you see, hear, touch, taste, smell, or FEEL. God has called you to that Church and you will stay there until He sees fit to move you.

I closing: when a Pastor goes to a Church you do not know who is whom until you have been there @ five years and have gone thru a confict. So give it time to process. You will never get to the place that it does not bother you nor should you expect it. Do , as you have said, continue to be nice to them.

sheepdogandy

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 7307 **1/16/13 12:09 pm**

I let em go Doc! Laughing

We are a small town, everyone knows everyone else.

I smile when I see them in Wal-Mart and act like nothing happened.

I do not run after people.

It doesn't work anyway.
_________________
Charles A. Hutchins
Senior Pastor SPWC
Congregational Church of God

www.spwc.church

c6thplayer1

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 6385 **1/16/13 1:56 pm**

Dan Eason

Depends

Friendly Face Posts: 473 **1/16/13 11:54 pm**

Sometimes I am sad, sometimes mad, sometimes glad. There are valid reasons to leave. There are people who will never be comfortable in my ministry. I definitely do not take it personally when a person leaves because our church just doesn't fit their needs. I point them towards a church that I think will suit them.

If I think God has called them to be part of our team I reach out to them and try and get them back into the fold. Face to face, or don't bother, btw. I have had a pretty decent success rate restoring run-away sheep to the fold.
_________________
http://areyoureadyfortherapture.blogspot.com/

Dan Eason

all 4 points

Friendly Face Posts: 473 **1/17/13 12:08 am**

1. Please share how you handle the feelings that come when people you love, trusted members and attenders, leave.
---As a very young pastor, these things were quite personal and painful. The longer I am in ministry, the less I take on myself (it's God's church). It hurts when people dump us, it is like a couple breaking up. I deal with it, process my feelings, and get over it.

2. How do you handle it with the congregation that is left; never mention them, share that they've left etc.
---I would share with council members and key leaders, nothing public, and alway very low key, no big deal, we are cool with this -- type of attitudes. I try to shape the opinions of the church opinion shapers to deal with it as a normal, mundane experience. Making a big deal out of it makes it a big deal, and if it is God's church, we can handle losing daddy paycheck or mama singsaloudest without going out of business.

3. Do you follow them up, try to find out what happened or just try to sulk away the feelings of grief that comes with their leaving?
----Always always always meet them in person within 24 hours of hearing they want to leave. Listen, listen some more, then start all over and listen again. Then (if it is true) tell them I want them to stay in the family, and ask them to reconsider (without giving them a chance to answer) I will ask them if I can pray for them, and I will take their hands and pray from my heart for THEIR future. I never ask them for a committment and never bring the issue up a second time.
They usually come back, but if they don't, they don't. I don't chase them down. Catching them would put them in a position of too much power and control.
If I see former members in public, I treat them with all of the warmth and kindness as if they had never left.

4. Does such times strike at your feelings of self worth? Has it in times past caused you to want to quit the Pastorate?
---Yes, I have wanted to leave the pastorate over losing members. But, not in many years.
No, it does not affect my self-worth, but I see where that could be a major impact for some personality types. I have never been depressed in my life, but losing close church members is a depressing moment.
_________________
http://areyoureadyfortherapture.blogspot.com/

Pastors Friend

First of all...

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1345 **1/17/13 4:41 am**

Never give their leaving any more power than it has. It does not need to be mentioned from the pulpit. You just keep giving the Word to the Church.
Secondly, continue to love them.
Third, you will have people come and go. It is painful, but as the years go by you get use to it. At least to the point where you accept it.
If you give it power, you can create a spirit of others wanting to leave, especially if the leavers are fawned over.
While pastoring out west, I had two families leave on the same day. One left because I was to strict and the other left because I was not strict enough! It does mess with your self esteem, but just remember it is God's church.
Keep your sense of humor, pray a lot, don't let yourself get out of balance about folks leaving, get your fishing pole and head to the creek, go bowling, play golf, or read a good book. God is in charge!

PF Very Happy

jjvols

Hey, DOC Posts: 57 **1/17/13 5:57 pm**

I can tell you I'm living this thread right now... I've now lost Minister and Music Pastor, Youth Pastor, Children's Pastor, Clerk, 4 SS Teachers, 2 Wednesday Night Teachers, Bass Player, 4 singers, Guitar Player 70 people total and almost 3500 in giving! Came running 125-130 and well we've lost a lot. The morale is "LOW", but God will prevail through this or he's not God! I don't believe God brought me where I'm at to let me drown or see the downfall of a vision?

Its been the toughest thing I've had to endure, especially when you leave a nice comfy place where the church is paid off 5 acres howbeit in the middle of no where. You are the highest paid pastor in history and church is growing from 30-90 with tithes @ the highest in the history of the church... But, you feel the Lord open up a place where you must walk through, and you go knowing what could take place! (We also have a $800.00 a month mortgage payment.)

I'm not so much hurt because of losing 70 people, Key Leaders, Finances in the church and taking a huge pay cut myself. Am I disappointed? Yes! Especially, when the same people voted you in saying we will do whatever we can to make sure the vision doesn't halt, & "OUR" church that we love goes forth. But I'm not hurt, disappointed and there's a difference between those two words... However, I hurt for the people in the church that has to go through this! Innocent people get hurt confused and mad through a split! Its not fair for the people at this church to have to go through this... They've now been hurt 4 times in the last 7 months bye 1 catastrophic event and then the gradually leaving of those who you thought had your back or loved your church? No, I didn't run them off promise... Another church was started and they all went to that church! I've just continued to preach God's sovereignty, love, grace, and His Promise!

I just continue believing what the Lord told me as I go through this what seems to be a never ending exodus? I don't wish this on no one especially your family/ church... I can't tell you how many times my children have ask why daddy is my friends leaving, and whats going on? What do you say? The Emotional roller coaster that we are on is tough... But those who endure to the end will be saved! 2013 is the year of promise, and God will prevail. I have to believe what Haggai spoke about in the book of Haggai; "The Best Is Yet To Come, For the house will be greater then the latter"!

People can talk about what they would do or say you would do... But, when you come in behind a major tragedy to a city, church, families, and the name "Church of God" in your area. It takes a hit! And its trying to rebuild the trust of the people and your area! Its not easy and it takes a toll on you mentally and physically... Its extremely hard to deal with, but you just have to continue to be upbeat, uplifting, positive, "DON"T ever talk down about anyone that may have left", and when I'm ask about a church being started I say yes this is what I've heard but don't know anything else. Because I don't dig for info, I leave it alone I've got my own church to concentrate on at this time. If you are ask how you feel about it say I gave my blessings and we pray God's hand will rest on them... I honestly pray this and hope for the best.

Pastor's if you are going through something like this here's two chapters to go and read... Jeremiah 32&33! A very well known man in the Church of God told me this a couple of weeks ago; "Even a church needs a bowl movement"... Maybe its God trying to cleanse the church saving you from a headache down the road? Or maybe its God cleansing the Church so you can grow? Whatever it is just know that he is able to complete that what he begun in you.

Man I just pray this never happens to none of you!

wayne

I am sorry

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1274 **1/18/13 11:54 am**

Brutha I have been down that road but not to that extent. If you need a place to vent, PM me and I will give you my phone number or I will call you. I promise I won't judge or hold it against you.

Pastor to Pastor, i am here if you need me.

Praying for you and I did read the scripture you listed, very encouraging.

Carl Jefferson Hart

When People leave your Church

Hey, DOC Posts: 58 **1/19/13 8:54 pm**

People leaving your church is a tough thing for any Pastor to deal with. For some it is GOOD ridance, others a sad and confusing experience.
What do you do? Brother T.D. Jakes preached a great sermon devoted to that experience. "When people leave you and walk out of your life".
He said it like this; "You have to learn to smile and say Good-bye!" "If they leave you it is because you didn't really have them!" Scripture says, they went out from you because they were not of you!
Jakes says, just smile, wave and say, "Good-bye". Don't follow them or trouble them, unless you told them to go by word or action!
Smart man!

bigchurchmouse

Golf Cart Mafia Capo Posts: 2857 **1/20/13 5:15 pm**

jjvols, I have seen a situation like you described happen twice in my adult life. In both cases, in a few weeks/months almost all of the people came back to the church they left. Others left the new church and went to other churches in the area.

People soon find out that the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but it still has to be mowed. Also, a start up church takes a lot of money and work to get really established. Some of the people probably already feel badly about leaving. If they are genuine Christians they must feel some guilt and even sadness for the posotion they have put your family in. They probably miss their friends too.

If you can keep a good attitude. God will bring you through with victory. Your church will be stronger and better than before. God is faithful.

Link

Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11849 **1/22/13 6:24 pm**

Are they leaving so they will feel more comfortable drinking, dipping, and going to the Honkey-tonk? Are they leaving because they are getting involved in another church.

IMO, if someone is going to another church, it's best not to look at the situation from the perspective of:
Why are my people leaving?
How am I going to build what I want to build here?
How am I going to build up enough tithes to run things around here?"

And instead be concerned about the following questions:
Are they going to a place where they can be discipled and grow in the Lord?
Are they moving towards fulfilling their calling in life?
_________________
Link

JLarry

Acts Mod Posts: 3346 **1/22/13 8:18 pm**

I know for a fact one contributor on this post lost 200 in one year.

A decade has past and his attendance is very strong. He is a good friend and I know the departure was painful. Today he is doing better than ever.

Yes it is painful to see them leave. Keep in mind, "Joy comes in the Morning". Keep your head up, keep loving and preaching. As one said be nice to them when you see them. Never burn the bridge they may come back stronger.